We know that it is appointed to each of us to die, someday. But lets be honest, someday is always tomorrow, isn't it. We like it that way, don't we. Indeed, we do all we can to keep it that way. Tomorrow is a space separating us from reality, a barrier holding off the inevitable, a deep fog masking the future from our vision; each allowing us to carry on today as if death has no claim on us at all. We laugh lighthearted at the sign in the pub that reads, "Free Beer, Tomorrow." But when mortality is on the menu, we search soberly and oh so earnestly for signs that read "Tomorrow." There is comfort in tomorrow. Faith is easy, when there is always tomorrow. Hope has time to prosper, when there is always tomorrow. Love has room to grow, when there is always tomorrow.
But what if someday is today? What if death is not tomorrow? Where are faith, hope and love when death and today knock on your door as one? When death is today can faith really comfort? Is He-Who- I-Cannot-See really preparing a mansion for me in glory? We long for and put hope in Paradise. But are there streets of gold to walk? We profess that the love of One saves us and will, at our appointed times, usher us into eternity. Yet entering eternity is impossible before death. Does love bridge the gap? Or will I simply slip off into a final night of everlasting sleep?
Facing the possibility my someday is today, has forced me to squarely face questions like those above. It forces us to face them because we have probably been avoiding them. I think we avoid them for a number of reasons. First, as people of faith we think we aren't supposed to ask them. Second, we are afraid that if we do ask, we may not have real faith, which leads to the third which is, does that mean we really don't believe in God? And finally, they are just plain scary questions to deal with.
But face them we will. So what do we do with them? Let me begin to answer by saying little, insignificant nouns like lump and mass take on tremendous significance when spoken by your doctor. And when, in your presence, he immediately pulls out his I-phone, places a call to an oncologist collegue and says, "I have a new one for you," you shudder silently inside.
Since that moment came for me, at 10:37 Tuesday morning, May 3, 2011, all the questions above have been racing through my mind. I've been a whirlwind inside, an endless cycle of emotions ranging from anger, denial, doubt, fear, prayer, faith, praise, bewilderment and disbelief. And always hiding out back there in the dark corners and spaces of my mind and soul is the ever present question that says it all, "Why me?"
At first I was okay. As I rode the elevator down and walked to my car I mumbled to myself, "Well cancer's not so bad, not as scary to hear as I had imagined. I'll be fine, I can deal with this." That lasted most of the day, through work, until I got home. I was alone that evening which was not unusual in itself. My wife works the RN midnight shift. But this evening was obviously different and about eight o'clock the questions started to creep in as I sat alone on the couch watching who knows what on the tele.
Strangely, it was not fear of death that began haunting me as I surfed the channels. Not at all. I began to ask myself do I really believe it all? Is He really there? Is the concept, the idea, that which I have never seen, heard or touched, really waiting for me on the other side? Is this salvation thing all its cracked up to be, or is it just a fairy tale I have used to make myself feel better about life, myself and the future? Shame followed quickly behind these unwelcome queries, still they would not leave me alone. Do I really believe nagged me to sleep and followed me out the door as I left for work Wednesday morning.
My favorite scripture for the past twenty-five years has been Romans 8:28, "We know that all things work for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." How many times and to how many people have I repeated with great emphasis, "all things" means all things; not some things or just the things we like, but "all things" good and bad. Funny how late that Wednesday afternoon "all things" began sticking in my throat and would not trip as easily off my tongue as in times past.
More later. David
But what if someday is today? What if death is not tomorrow? Where are faith, hope and love when death and today knock on your door as one? When death is today can faith really comfort? Is He-Who- I-Cannot-See really preparing a mansion for me in glory? We long for and put hope in Paradise. But are there streets of gold to walk? We profess that the love of One saves us and will, at our appointed times, usher us into eternity. Yet entering eternity is impossible before death. Does love bridge the gap? Or will I simply slip off into a final night of everlasting sleep?
Facing the possibility my someday is today, has forced me to squarely face questions like those above. It forces us to face them because we have probably been avoiding them. I think we avoid them for a number of reasons. First, as people of faith we think we aren't supposed to ask them. Second, we are afraid that if we do ask, we may not have real faith, which leads to the third which is, does that mean we really don't believe in God? And finally, they are just plain scary questions to deal with.
But face them we will. So what do we do with them? Let me begin to answer by saying little, insignificant nouns like lump and mass take on tremendous significance when spoken by your doctor. And when, in your presence, he immediately pulls out his I-phone, places a call to an oncologist collegue and says, "I have a new one for you," you shudder silently inside.
Since that moment came for me, at 10:37 Tuesday morning, May 3, 2011, all the questions above have been racing through my mind. I've been a whirlwind inside, an endless cycle of emotions ranging from anger, denial, doubt, fear, prayer, faith, praise, bewilderment and disbelief. And always hiding out back there in the dark corners and spaces of my mind and soul is the ever present question that says it all, "Why me?"
At first I was okay. As I rode the elevator down and walked to my car I mumbled to myself, "Well cancer's not so bad, not as scary to hear as I had imagined. I'll be fine, I can deal with this." That lasted most of the day, through work, until I got home. I was alone that evening which was not unusual in itself. My wife works the RN midnight shift. But this evening was obviously different and about eight o'clock the questions started to creep in as I sat alone on the couch watching who knows what on the tele.
Strangely, it was not fear of death that began haunting me as I surfed the channels. Not at all. I began to ask myself do I really believe it all? Is He really there? Is the concept, the idea, that which I have never seen, heard or touched, really waiting for me on the other side? Is this salvation thing all its cracked up to be, or is it just a fairy tale I have used to make myself feel better about life, myself and the future? Shame followed quickly behind these unwelcome queries, still they would not leave me alone. Do I really believe nagged me to sleep and followed me out the door as I left for work Wednesday morning.
My favorite scripture for the past twenty-five years has been Romans 8:28, "We know that all things work for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." How many times and to how many people have I repeated with great emphasis, "all things" means all things; not some things or just the things we like, but "all things" good and bad. Funny how late that Wednesday afternoon "all things" began sticking in my throat and would not trip as easily off my tongue as in times past.
More later. David
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